I was too young to be so old.
I was too sensitive to be a Prefect.
I was too different to be her friend. I wasn’t different enough.
I was too young for him to want to be with me.
I was too sensible to be her room mate.
I was too sad for them to want to spend time with me.
I was too sad for too long to get the degree they wanted me to.
I was too sad to get the position I applied for.
I had too many holes in my CV to get other roles.
I was too caring to be a good nanny.
I was too young to be an egg donor.
I was too risk-averse to drop everything and travel.
I was too responsible to walk away from mounting debt.
I was too lonely to be any fun.
I was too hormonal to conceive.
I was too experienced to need advice when I had a newborn.
I was polite to tell them otherwise.
I was too naive to realise they were talking about me.
I was too unusual for them to want to get to know me.
I was too quiet to be invited.
I was too different to fit in.
I tried too hard to fit in.
I was too broad to have a niche.
I was too hesitant to be the right fit.
I asked too many questions. I didn’t ask enough.
I am too far away.
I am too close to have perspective.
It takes up too much of my time.
I am too open.
I make too many excuses.
I am too honest. Or not honest enough.
I have too little confidence in myself.
I do too little self-promotion.
I take things too personally.
I worry too much.
I feel too deeply.
I carry things for too long.
I have carried all of this, for all of my life.
I have carried the knowledge that I was always too something to be the right someone.
It makes me too tearful just reading it all back to myself, feeling the pain I have felt over the years, carried over the years. And over time the burden of those rejections has worn me down.
I look at this list of my failings over time. I am all of these things. I am this. This is who I am. This is what makes me the me whose door who is always open, the me that will help when I can, the me that juggles too many balls, the me that loves too much, too hard. The me that cries with you. The me that carries your pain. That is who I am.
I’m sorry if my too much is not enough.
Do not apologize and do not be ashamed of who you are. To be proud of yourself. Do not trust people to love themselves more than you do.
You are breaking my heart! Please find a wonderful counselor who can help you see who you really are!
The only too you are is too gorgeous. Such a sad post that you feel you have been or are all these things. We often feel we aren’t good enough at whatever we try because we are too something, whatever that something may be. Blogging brings some crap with it, but it brings many wonderful things, and one of those things is you. Never forget it. x
I could have written much of this, I think that many of us could. This isn’t always an easy world in which to flourish and grow, is it?
Let’s have coffee soon. I think you’re fab.
But you are the perfect you.
You are caring
You are the most incredible mum
The most brilliant wife
You make a difference to the world by just being in it. Just by being you.
There is a much over used phrase from an American movie that sums it up “You are beautiful baby, don’t ever change”.
We can all relate to this. We could have all written it, I am sure. The fact you did, just cements my love and admiration of you as a human being.
Bless you Tanya. I am weeping. Thank you for saying such caring and lovely things. Of all the greatest gifts that blogging has brought me, the most significant is your friendship. The Girls still think that the Mickey Mouse Hotel is top.
I could have written this. It’s a great post and it’s heartbreaking what you’ve been through. But I will say that I am happy to know you, you’ve a kind heart and are a very thoughtful person.
Oh goodness, you’ve made me cry @MyTwoMums. Thank you for saying such lovely things. I think we all suffer a bit from being judged too harshly, sadly x
this is just beautiful. x
Thank you Beesley Buzz. I appreciate you saying so.
That smile is never too much! Go you xxx
Thank you Mascara and Mud. So kind of you x
This has just made me cry. It is beautiful yet heartbreaking at the same time. I can relate to a lot of what you have written.
I think you are wonderful and meeting you was one of my highlights of this year. Those who have rejected you…it’s their loss, it really is.
Massive hug xx
Oh bless you Lauren, it wasn’t mean t to make you cry and certainly not a cry for compliments. But so many people struggle to feel like they fit in, are good enough, and it’s only on the countdown to 40 that I think that maybe, maybe it’s alright to be who the hell you are an let everyone else get anxious. Thank you for commenting. ((hugs right back))