There are many Myths of Motherhood but the one that got to me was the Instant Feeling of Overwhelming Love. When my girls were born, there was no crying with joy, no husband kissing me on the forehead then kissing the baby whilst I cradled it, victorious, close to my chest. There was merely relief, then panic that my In-Laws would want to see me, and I was all cathetered-up, and I needed to get back to my room. I forgot all about the Love Fest for a few days.
I assumed it would surface when my milk came in. Instead I sobbed my heart out parked up in the Homebase carpark whilst I tried to get the baby to feed, soothe my inflated chest and battered ego, and raged that it Shouldn’t Be This Hard.
For months I mourned the Lack of Bonding on behalf of my children.
I cried for them, that their mother had failed them with their very first breath because she did not have the bodily response that was supposed to be Natural.
I raged and sobbed huge gulping tears that a baby so loved, so longed for; a baby who had made it through a tough pregnancy and seemingly interminable birth, should be deprived in such a way.
I was consumed by disappointment in myself- who had waited her whole life to have children, who had suffered miscarriage and crippling pain during pregnancy, who never felt the glowing joy when waddling up the High Street, who had stood on crutches on Public Transport supporting an enormous bump because no-one would stand and offer a seat- that I had yet again failed to “Do It Right”.
My children were born beautiful and miraculous and utterly, utterly, perfect: they deserved my overwhelming love.
They deserved more of a mother than me.
After years of self-loathing, anger, perpetual disappointment and shame, 2014 was the year I stopped beating myself up about failing my children at birth. Dimples started school and I mourned her loss for weeks, and still do. LBG’s solo in the school Nativity had me in tears- not the Discreet Trickle kind, but huge gulping sobs of grief and joy and pride that rendered me unable to drive, unable to even talk of the greater triumph than her beautiful voice: LBG conquering her absolute terror of public performance of any kind.
As I checked on my girls last night before I went to bed, I tucked hair behind ears, rearranged pillows and neatened duvets around sleeping forms. I marvelled at eyelashes and their fast-changing hands that were once pudgy and dimpled but now wielded pens and rolling pins and hockey sticks. I whispered words of love and pride and wisdom into their sleeping ears as tears rolled down my face. My regular nightly routine.
And I realised.
It may not have been instant. It may have taken far longer than any book or anecdote or Old Wive’s Tale may tell you. But it is there.
We mothers are so unkind to ourselves and expect more of ourselves than anyone else could. Beautiful girls!
Thank you Abby. It is sad really- being a parent is such an all-consuming job. Everyone who is one can vouch for that. We should be kinder- to each other and ourselves.
Oh Kelly, this is so beautifully written! I’m really moved by it. You have such beautiful little girls, just like their Mama. I don’t doubt for a second that they are the most loved and valued little beings. I think Motherhood is one massive expectation, isn’t it? Rarely is it what we think – even in each new stage. I guess we are all just muddling through and doing the best we can. A really lovely post xx
Thank you Little Wood Life. It is far more complicated, being a mother, than anything you learn in NCT class!
You have two beautiful and talented daughter who are proud to call you their mum, so what if you didn’t get that rush of emotions as soon as they there born – I never did. Love isn’t just about the gooey stuff but about being there, protecting them and above all checking on them whilst they sleep (they look their cutest when they are asleep) and tucking their hair behind their ears.
I love your honesty. You are a great mother and your love for your daughters constantly shines through what you do. They are as blessed to have you as you them. xo
It’s very kind of you to say @Brittney. Thank you. I hope they see it.
You have beautiful children!
It is so difficult when we are surrounded by expectation to not be able to feel that we can be accepted for the feelings and choices and realities we experience. It is so difficult when you feel the weight of someone else’s perceived failing to appreciate all that you do, I hate that I didn’t follow my instincts- that I believed in ‘the right way’ which really wasn’t for me.
The beauty of our children is immeasurable- I am in awe of how much they teach us, and how they have become.
I am glad 2014 was kind to you, I hope 2015 has as wonderful realisations x
Thank you so much for commenting Debbie. Life is definitely made more challenging by expectations. Its a pity I have taken this long to learn to put them to one side. I am astonished daily by what my children have learned to do in such a relatively short spell of time.