Last Friday we learned the sad news that my Uncle had died. Whilst he is not a relative we see regularly, he is my family and I will attend the funeral this week and will be taking Dimples with me. Which of course, means talking to my children about the topic of death.
LBG is five and Dimples is three, so I don’t expect them to get the intricacies but, for their own sake as well as the grieving family, it would be prudent to give them a few basics to help them better understand both dying and the purpose of a funeral.
I am lucky. I have only been to two funerals in my life, so my knowledge and experience is quite limited and not an idea starting point for talking, since I blubbed my way through both events. It’s clear to me that the key is to give them enough information to understand whilst not giving them so much that they are terrified.
I was directed to a post written by Angelique Felix on the topic of talking to children about death which has been quite helpful, not least because it pointed me to a post from Crayon Freckles on the same theme. I read the latter with LBG and I think she appreciated the concept. I thought I had failed desperately in my earnest explanations when she asked me if “he will be sleeping in a glass box like Snow White.” but friends have reassured me that she is just trying to put the information that she has received into a scenario that she recognises, which will give her a better framework for understanding. It makes me realise how terribly terribly difficult it must be for those who have lost very close family, such as Ben who sadly lost his wife less than a year ago and is raising his toddler son alone. His writing pointed me to Winston’s Wish which helps bereaved children and offer advice on talking about death with children .
Based on my reading, the things you need to keep in mind when talking to children about death are:
1. Be clear: be totally unambiguous. Children are very good at spotting the loopholes in your arguments against another biscuit/five minutes of television/one more story and the same is true of imparting much more significant information. Be clear that the person has died and will not be coming back.
2. Be simple. Give them the essentials. Offer no more information and wait to see where they lead the conversation. Don;t use words that we may consider common place in the context of talking about death- headstones, for example- since a child will not understand what they are and may create an image in their head that is far more terrifying than an explanation of the word would be. Think of the structure of board books, or First Reading Books. The sentences are very simple and the information very basic yet adequate enough to create a story.
3. Be reassuring. Information beyond your field of knowledge can be frightening, particularly for young children. Reassure them that they are loved, that they can talk about the person who has died, talk about death and funerals and their understanding of these things.
There is a subsequent opportunity to discuss what happens at a funeral, that it’s OK to be sad, that some people have differing beliefs on what happens after you die. All of this is something to build on as you see fit. I would add that it is still possible to Be Creative with your explanations. I asked my daughter if I had explained it well and she bluntly said no. So I had to find another way- such as teaching her the life cycle of a caterpillar, watching The Lion King, talking about her friend whose father died when she was very small.
And obviously, the best way to ‘lead’ a discussion with children is to read a book on the topic. I asked the people of twitter and they were quick to come back with suggestions:
Dear Grandma Bunny– part of the Miffy francise & as reviewed by Daddacool- suggested by @CapturebyLucy
TiddlyOmPOmPom– who sadly has had recent experience of the topic- suggested Badger’s Parting Gifts
Goodbye Mog was written by Judith Kerr with the thought of her own death in mind suggested by @VWallop and Mog Remembers from @From Nikki
Zooarcheologist said The Gift by Carol-Ann Duffy
Lifetimes was offered by @jax blunt
Downs Side Up suggested How Dinosaurs Die
“‘Rabbityness’ by @joempson is amazing” came from @Loll Kirby
Naturally they are all on the way.
Go on! You know you want to tell me what you think!