I feel broken. Not in a completely-irreparably-destroyed way , but in a operating-on-autopilot kind of way.
For the last few days I have been carrying a lead box around where my chest should be. I’ve been tending to my children, keeping them fed, clothed and on schedule. I have been cooking for the husband, comforting the firework-traumatised dog. Other than that I have been staring at a computer screen, hiding from friends, avoiding phone calls.
There have been moments of respite, when I have been at the school gates, networking, hosting playdates. But when those moments are gone, I curl up once more, protecting the leaden chest, the fortified heart.
The tears don’t fall as much as you would expect. But they are there, peeping around the doorway, waiting for their cue.
There is a need to keep pushing forward. Momentum, perhaps?
There is understanding and awareness of the numbness without resistance to it. Reminiscent of anaesthetic?
I carry around a permanent worry: that I am somehow missing, no, forgetting something. But what is it?
Me. I left me behind.
I need to find her again.
I was so sad to read this. I want to reach through the virtual screen and give you a lovely warm hug. I hope your heavy heart is lifted soon x
I know how you feel it is a tough time of year, I had to get it down, I was about to say on paper but, on screen this week. The lead into winter can weigh heavy on you. Be kind to yourself and remember to focus all the amazing things you are achieving and doing be proud and reward yourself with a little you time.
Sending much love and hugs. It’s so easy to lose yourself but it can be so difficult to find yourself again, I do hope you manage to find some time to relax and recuperate and are feeling better soon xxx
Oh bless you lovely. Want to chat? Mwah xx
Karin x
There’s a disturbing amount of it about right now. Hugs.
It’s a rotten time of year. A drudge. Keep on functioning, you might find yourself hidden in the routine somewhere. Don’t go through it all alone though. Ask for help to see you through to the sunshine and light chest. Xxx
Oh sweetheart, I’m so sorry you’re going through this at the moment. You’ve had a busy and difficult month or so and sometimes it’s so overwhelming. I wish I could come and help out *hug*. I often wonder where ‘me’ is, where did I go?
Oh no, dementors here too 🙁 I am sorry, my friend, it’s rough and rotten 🙁
Thank you all for your supportive comments. ‘Tis the season. Sometimes you just need to write it all down so that you can better work at ‘fixing’ it?