Dealing with Toddler Tantrums: a guest post by Joanne Mallon

Joanne Mallon is a freelance journalist and life and career coach, and I’ve been following her blog Joanne the Coach for a while because she’s written a book called Toddlers: An Instruction Manual. The book, available through Amazon and as a Kindle download features advice from over 60 bloggers, and is helping to raise money for the family support charity Home-Start. She very kindly agreed to write a blog post on dealing with tantrums whilst I am on sick-leave. Lord knows I’ll be reading it though- we are deep in Tanty-land at the moment and I am exhausted by it.

Dealing with tantrums when you’re out and about

Public performances – should you care what people think?

In a word – no.

 

Toddlers aren’t especially choosy when it comes to picking a time to have a tantrum. And they’re very good at picking up on their parents’ moods. So if you are in a hurry and trying to get the shopping done, or distracted by an important phone call or getting ready to go out, your child can pick up on this and react in a way to reclaim your attention. Often there’s an exponential effect – the more you need your toddler to be quiet and calm, the louder they will crank up the decibels. Insurance company on the phone = no reaction. Your boss calls to discuss an incredibly important and sensitive work project = wailing loud enough to wake the dead.

 

When your toddler kicks off in a public place, it’s easy to feel self conscious, as if other people are judging us. The truth is that they’re probably not. Or if they are – well, more fool them. If someone judges other people, it doesn’t define those people, it simply defines the judger as someone who needs to judge.

 

I’m not suggesting that you ignore other people entirely. If your child has a meltdown in a restaurant or somewhere where there are other people with a reasonable expectation of peace, then of course you should take other people’s feelings into consideration. Be aware of the ecology of the situation. If you suspect that your child is disturbing others, remove them from the situation and deal with it elsewhere.

 

But remember that as parents, we’ve all been there or are going through it too. Strangers may look at you because they feel sympathetic, or relieved that it’s not happening to them, not because they’re judging you.

 

Often when our child has a public tantrum, we may behave in a way that we wouldn’t at home – you might lose your temper, resort to bribery or sheer begging. It’s not a failure if you do. All parents resort to desperate measures at times – sometimes you just have to do what you can to keep going.  At home, you might have the strength to ignore a full-on meltdown, but when it’s happening at 5pm in the baked beans aisle, and all you want to do is get home, that’s another story.

 

Try to keep your attitude to tantrums as consistent as you can. Think about strategies you will use when out and about – because you will have to deal with a public tantrum one day. Strategies you use at home, such as Time Out or ignoring, simply may not be practical elsewhere. Start ignoring your child and walking away from them in a public place and someone may call social services.

 

Things start to get tricky with public tantrums when the people you’re with start to stick their oar in, probably just when you need it least. Other parents will have their own strategies for dealing with tantrums, and your Mother in Law may start to chime in with how they did it “In my day…”

 

Resist the urge to smack anyone who gives you unsolicited advice when it comes to dealing with your child. They mean well. They’re trying to help. And perhaps they will help – especially if they see how life is with a toddler and that you could do with some support.