I have concerns for LBG. Not in a sinister way, but I see in her so much of myself. My mother and father are both in agreement that she is a carbon copy of the three-year-old that I was, which is wonderful and terrifying at the same time. For whilst I like the child that I was and the person that I am, the transition from one to the other was hideous.
It was so hard to know how to be a girl amongst other girls, a teenager, filled with and surrounded by hormones. A child, an adolescent, and now an adult whose primary response to an excess of emotion is to cry. I remember clearly two occasions when I was told that I had been ‘passed over’ for certain positions of responsibility because of my ‘tendency to be emotional’. This is what my darling daughter faces.
I mentioned this to my mother, and she genuinely surprised me when she said that this is something that she had recognised in herself only recently. Being emotional runs in the family evidently!
And though this is fine. There is clearly nothing wrong with being emotional, and my mother and I have obviously managed to survive teenage-hood, I wouldn’t say that it was unscathed. And as a mother, it is my job to protect my daughter, to prepare her for life, for mean girls, for tough choices, for setbacks, disappointments and many, many triumphs.
Our days are regularly filled with tears. The sort of tears that escalate quickly to giant sobs which take away her ability to listen, talk, or find any sense in anything much at all. I know exactly what it is like to be in this position, since I still feel this way at least once a week and often more. The antidepressants help control it, but that’s not a sensible solution for a three-year-old.
One of the biggest challenges we will face is not how she is when she is at home, or when she has one of her parents with her to help her find a calm place, but when she is out of our ‘control’. Every day when I leave her at school, there are tears. Both teachers and parents have reassured me that this is short-lived, but one day it won’t be. One day something will happen that will cause her to see red, to feel utter mortification, to be overwhelmed by the strength of her emotional response to a situation. I need to help her, and possibly myself, by finding the tools that help her manage and control her feelings, and her response to them.
I have been spending a good chunk of my time online trying to find ways to help her control what she is feeling so that she can better express herself, and manage the emotional ‘episodes’ better. I’d like to think that because I have recognised it at this age, I should be able to make a difference. But I don’t doubt we have miles to go yet.
For the moment, I have taken a couple of ideas from Pinterest. The first is a Time Out Jar (sometimes called a Meditation Jar,) which we refer to as the Calm-Down Jar. I put water, glitter, glycerine and food colouring in a clean jar and screwed on the lid. It’s the same craft that’s behind snow-globes, only in this case, we shake it up, and LBG sits quietly watching the glitter settle. By focussing solely on the glitter, she doesn’t have a chance to think about what is making her cry. Once all is quiet, we can talk about what made her so upset.
In addition we have indulged in some paper mache. I saw a tutorial for making an anger puff at Here We Are Together and thought I might be able to use the ‘Huffle-Puff’ as a tool to focus on feelings. This will then give us a chance to discuss what LBG is feeling and how we can manage it.
Tomorrow morning DH and I will be attending our first ‘Parents’ Evening. I have no idea whether this issue will come up, but at least I’ll be able to talk strategies if it does.
I imagine I sound like a bit of a Helicopter parent, now that I have read this back. All I know is that I recognise myself in my little girl, and if I can spare her even a minute of the discomfort I have experienced as a result of having this ’emotional response’, then my obsessing over it now will be worth it. If you have any advice, tips or ideas that might help talk with LBG about emotions or about dealing with them, then I would be delighted to hear from you, either here or on the Domestic Goddesque Facebook page.
Mini’s emotions bubble very close to the surface. I see me in him too and at the moment we are struggling with anger. Wish I had some ideas, but it has flummoxed me. I just try to support him best I can
I know what you mean MadHouse: it’s so hard when you see your children struggling
Hi,
I don’t know if these ideas will help or not, but I’ll offer them anyway. It’s not a bad thing that your little girl feels and expresses her emotions strongly and fully. In fact, there is evidence that it is very healthy for young children to be able to cry as long as they need to, while in the presence of a trusted adult. Lots of tears does not necessarily mean that she will grow up to suffer depression, although I can understand how you may be tempted to compare her to yourself when you were her age. Her teachers should be willing and able to support your little girl as she learns to regulate her emotions- which is one of the main, and most important tasks a good preschool program should focus on. Distraction may not be the most helpful tool, at least in the moment, because emotions that are stuffed instead of felt and dealt with, have to go somewhere, and will usually come out in an even greater explosion at a later time. It’s best if your little girl has an opportunity to feel whatever she feels in the moment, be heard, and then she can move on. It’s a great idea to introduce tools like the Calm Jar to help your daughter to learn to begin to self-soothe and self- comfort. Yogic breathing can help many children. Lori Lite, of Stress Free Kids offers some wonderful advice and tools. You might also like to take a look at Dr. Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson’s new book “The Whole Brain Child”- which outlines 12 strategies to help kids thrive, and strengthen their coping skills. Gina, The Twin Coach wrote some great articles summarizing some of the ideas in the book: It can also be helpful to read books with your little girl about feelings.I hope some of these ideas and resources will be helpful to you. You can also feel free to contact me via e-mail if you’d like to. I don’t think you are a helicopter Mom. I think you are wise to understand your daughter’s area of struggle, and to want to be proactive in helping her to develop the skills she needs to be resilient, and cope well in a sometimes difficult world.
I really appreciate you taking the time to comment Lisa: it’s a comfort to know that this may just be part of the learning process rather than a sign of the life to come. Her teachers were very positive when I spoke to them yesterday, so I am a bit more relaxed than I was. Now that you mention it, I don’t know that we have any books specifically relating to feelings so I may investigate (I love an excuse to buy books!)
I don’t have any advice to offer I’m afraid.
But I did just want to say what an amazing mum you are for recognising this and for working so hard to make your daughter happy. x
That’s a really kind thing to say Liz. Thank you so much x
Intend to be the opposite, and hold it all in, only to explode at the wrong moment xx
I know the feeling Susanna
Read this for a bit more info http://www.theschoolrun.com/what-primary-seal
Hope it helps x
Thanks for the link: I had no idea where to start looking. I appreciate your support Tiddlyompompom 🙂
Have a look at SEAL (social & emotional aspects of learning). The school should be working on developing these skills but you may be able to find stuff to help her at home x