Coping with addiction.

I really love taking part in the Friday Carnival: the topics are always interesting and leave room for everybody to interpret them so differently. It was frustrating to not take part last week, though I’d have been forced to write on my total lack of ethics (though not morals) and activism, and risk being taunted by those who do a far better job than me at changing the world one small step at a time.

I didn’t take part out of cowardice, but out of inability. On Thursday afternoon, my laptop did an automatic restart after a Windows 7 update, and failed to restart. I of course called 999 and was told to rush it to the Hospital, which I did. After several days of concern and worry, the Chief Surgeon declared it to be out of intensive care and on the way to recovery. I finally reclaimed it on Wednesday night.

I am horrified to admit that I felt the loss, albeit temporary, of my laptop. I felt it keenly. For the first few hours, it didn’t seem too bad. I kept busy, got some things done that had been on my list for a while. I went to bed at a sensible hour, having watched the TV for a couple of hours: it felt peculiar to sit and watch, with undivided attention, without regular tweety noises, the sound of keys tapping, thinking of the next post.

The twitching started the next day. I tried to keep busy: I had both children so they kept me quite occupied, but there was always this little voice at the back of my mind telling me I should be checking my emails, tweet or update my status. In the end I left the house.

I had bad dreams, I stopped eating, I lost weight. I found it hard to get out of bed every morning. But I had to, for my children. Slowly, with their encouragement, I began to be able to fill the hours, doing lots of craft, taking photographs, baking (and eating). I talked so much that my larynx failed to keep up and so I lost my voice. But I had found a way to cope; to live without blogging.

Then the call came. The laptop had pulled through. I could come and collect it. And I felt unbridled joy, and terror, in equal measure. How would I cope? Had I lost the ability to use the technology, the interweb, the skills I had spent so long learning? Would I still be able to blog? Would I lose all sense of reason and disappear into a browsing black hole, and lose myself? I had spent a week trying to recover from what appeared to be an addiction. Could I control it?

One day at a time.

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This post was written for the Friday Club on the theme of your favourite gadget. Mine is my laptop and interwebular connection. For other entries, check out the Notes From Home roundup.