I had one of those moments over the weekend that has left me questioning myself. DH and I took the children to a cafe that we regularly go to, for lunch. It was a little later than usual as the children had been asleep in the pushchair so they weren’t on the best form. There was a spilt drink and the usual bits and pieces on the floor that come with feeding a two-year-old and a nearly-one-year-old. We did, as we always do, pick up the worst from the floor and leave a generous tip.
It was only as we were walking home that DH told me of an incident. Whilst I was in the loo with the two girls, changing nappies and dealing with handwashing, the chief waitress had said to him that they “dreaded” us coming in to the cafe and that “it took them ages to clear up last time” we left.
To say I was flabbergasted was an understatement. Initially I was outraged that a member of staff had said something so inappropriate. I was indignant. Furious. Spitting Feathers. I also couldn’t understand why DH hadn’t just asked for the bill, cancelled our dessert order and left. Later, we were both mortified that someone felt that way about us. Since then, I have spent hours dwelling on the incident. I have questioned my parentng skills, my childrens’ behaviour, our attitude to things, and I keep coming back to the same question: were we that family? You know the one, because they make you cringe when you see them out and about. maybe their children run around restaurants whilst their parents pay no attention, maybe they throw food around, maybe they scream blue murder in the shops. Whatever they do to make you cringe, and possibly talk about them in whispered tones across the room, you go home, grateful that your children aren’t like that.And now I wonder if mine are like that. As much as I can rationalise the experience: I can know that we make every effort to tidy up whenever we eat out with the children. We always ask if they have a dustpan and brush, and are always told not to worry about the mess. We do our best to encourage the children to eat nicely, be polite, sit quietly, be careful: all the things that you do as parents. And we always leave a tip for the inconvenience of tidying any extra mess we may have missed.
And yet, I am genuinely very upset. Yesterday I found I had lost all my confidence in my abilities as a mother. Whereas I wouldn’t have given a second thought to taking the girls for lunch locally after their ‘dancing’ class on Mondays as we ususally do, I was actually terrified taking them anywhere. In the end, Threeva dragged me into one of our many local eateries, and we had a fairly uneventful meal.
But it has had a lasting impact on me. Should I have taken it to heart? What would you say or do in that situation?
I’m going to go against the majority and say continue to eat there *hides behind cushion*! Because you should eat wherever you like. And maybe mention the conversation to the manager. Plus if they hate it so much then you can feel smug knowing how annoyed they’ll be!!!
But you know all kids are messy. My toddler is a nightmare but I don’t care, I pay these people to serve me food and clean up after me – so what if it’s a bit more graft for them? There are plenty of aspects of my job that cause me extra work – VAT increases and decreases, competitors fluctuating prices, technological developments, but I can’t make them go away simply by complaining.
The service industry irritate me – so arrogant and think they do you a favour. In the current economical climate it amazes me they still get away with it.
It's funny, but thats exactly what I'd say to a friend or fellow blogger if they had written this post. It's frustrating and demoralising to be on the receiving end of such treatment but I think that it would be sad for my children never to eat out because I had one bad experience. I thin kthat perhaps we need a better service industry: when we were in the States, the girls were just the same, and we had to eat out because we were in a hotel, yet nothing was too much trouble for any of our waiting staff and they were literally smiling as they cleaned things away.
I agree boycott the cafe! I know my children aren't perfect but anywhere that accepts kids in must expect some extra work to clean up – they get enough money from families!
I'm shocked they said that to you. I would definitely not take it to heart and I would not go there again. I take my four boisterous, messy boys out and, like you, I do my best to keep them quiet and entertained and we clear up as best we can afterwards, but I wouldn't go to more effort than that otherwise there is no point in going out to eat really. Sorry you had to go through that xx
Oh my giddy aunt how ridiculous – I have four kids and have left my fair share of mess in many cafes and restaurants and maybe that pisses them off, maybe it doesn't but, if they're going to have families in, especially with kids as young as yours are (I mean yours really are little babies), they they have to accept a bit of mess, What would I do? Never go there again and tell my friends that they don't like kids in there! A mate of mine was told ages ago by a miserable old bat in a supermarket that the noise her son was making was just too much and she's shied away from going to the supermarket with him ever since. Oh I am so mad this happened to you.
As mums we are constantly feeling inadequate and guilty and in the wrong about our parenting skills which is ludicrous but that's the way it is.
One thing you could do which I find very helpful in these situations is to stick your middle finger up as you walk past the cafe, not so they can see or so anyone can see but just so it makes you feel better. Childish but there we are!
Thanks for all your comments and support. I agree that we will never darken their door again…I suppose sometimes the weight of guilt and second-guessing your mothering is too much to rationalise.
Firstly the fact you are worrying about this shows that you are a good parent – lots of people would have just shrugged it off
If they don't want you, I'd take your custom elsewhere which does want you (and to be honest you sound a million times better than most parents at trying to sort it out and to tip well to compensate for the mess) – places that welcome children have to accept that there is some mess and fuss and to roll with it or we just go elsewhere
Please don't take it to heart – you're doing brilliantly
Ooh, I had a similar experience – Flea and I were in a restaurant recently where we often go, and the waiter berated me for letting Flea go to the loo unsupervised (we were the only customers in the place and I could see the door!).
I was really upset and brooded too but I have decided we're not going there again. They are a restaurant, it's their job to serve us, not make us upset!
In your situation, I think if a place serves families, they have to accept some noise and mess.
What I'd suggest (and it's just an idea) would be that when you arrive, say to the waitress, "I should warn you now, they're a bit lively, maybe you could give us some extra napkins and seat us away from people without kids?"
Maybe make a bit of a joke of it, and you'll find they'll fall over themselves to say it's no problem. And if they don't, well, find somewhere else to take your custom!
DG, please don't stress over this. The threeva is very well behaved, mishaps occur & dimples isn't even one year old yet. I know for a fact that you are a wonderful mother, who else do I call when I need advice or assistance or just a general chat.
I would certainly be writing a letter of complaint to the owner, after that I'll be organising a twins club outing to the same place in the summer….. see how they like that! 🙂 Take care xx
Firstly, I can't believe she said that – how RUDE. Don't go there again. Secondly, don't beat yourself up – children spill things, make noise, attract attention – get over it people. Thirdly, having said that I still cringe at the memory of my 7 month old projectile vomiting over me, himself and the table next to ours in a restaurant in France. Suffice to say we left hastily and will never return!
For starters – How sodding rude!! OMG! I would have been mortified as well. The basic truth is a lot of UK restaurants don't have any decent customer service training and we are just such a child/family unfriendly country. I can't imagine that happening for one moment in the US, Canada or in Europe. Children and families are catered to, not treated like an inconvenience.
I'd never go back and I write a letter of complaint to their chief exec if it's a chain or their owner if not, making them aware of their shoddy customer service.
Don't beat yourself up anymore, I doubt the rude waitress has lost any sleep over it. ((HUGS)) xx
Thank you so much for excellent advice CJ. It is much appreciated!
Well for starters, I WOULD NEVER GO IN THAT RESTAURANT AGAIN, because they simply don't deserve your custom. And I think everyone will agree with that.
I would be very tempted to write a letter of complaint the restaurant, too. I'm not usually the Victor Meldrew of our society but that is completely unacceptable. It's a shame your husband didn't cancel desert. If a waitress had said something like that to me I would have refused to pay the bill. Point blank. I am disgusted that this kind of thing is going on in restaurants today; if you are taking your children into what is classed as a "child-friendly" environment, which most restaurants prefer to be known as, then you should be able to feel comfortable.
You must NOT beat yourself up anymore over this incident. I would have taken it to heart but I'm afraid I would have been so angry too. My husband would have just laughed it off but really, it isn't laughing matter when you have obviously been so concerned over it to write about it.
Perhaps leaving a big tip in future is something you should think twice about. They don't appreciate it, they expect it. And at the end of the day, they do get paid a wage. It's their job to clean up after you, otherwise it would be a takeaway!
CJ xx