Scene: the downstairs loo.
The Pocket Dictator has just declared that she “needs a wee”, so I am busy helping her pull her pants down when we both realise it’s too late. I look down. She looks down. Quite frankly you’d be forgiven for thinking that her waters had just broken. I strip her clothes from the waist down, failing dismally to keep myself dry, plonk her beyond the reach of the rapidly expanding puddle, on the hallway carpet and turn back to deal with the flood.
[Enter Wonder Hound]
DomesticGoddesque: Get out, Nugget!
[WH continues to sniff around]
[DG continues to mop up the puddle, but every time she turns, she bumps into the WH, making her clothes wetter still]
DG: For F@ck’s sake, Nugget! GET. OUT.
PD: F@ck’s sake, Nunnet.
DG: Darling, stay outside whilst Mamma clears up the mess.
[PD comes into loo, naked from the waist down, whilst DG is concentrating on clearing up the mess, and starts unravelling the loo roll.]
[PD starts spreading aforementioned loo roll on the floor in a bid to help Mamma clear up]
DG: Darling, Mamma asked you to wait outside. Nugget, piss off.
PD: Diss, Nugget.
[DG scoops up the dog and steps over the mountain of fast-disintegrating loo roll before shutting the dog in the kitchen behind the dog gate. Meanwhile the Dimpled Baby enters bathroom and starts merrily splashing in the puddle that has ‘thoughtfully’ been left for her amusement.]
DG: Bloody hell, what are you doing Dimples?
[DG picks up a now-soaking Dimples and starts divesting her of the pee-soaked outfit she is wearing, whilst Dimples protests loudly at being deprived of the ‘fun’ game she assumes to have been created for her amusement. DG gets thoroughly wet in the process.]
[Wonder Hound diverts Dimples by pressing her nose through the bars of the Dog Gate]
[Crying is heard. DG turns to find PD lying face-down in a puddle of her own wee, which we assume she slipped over in whilst trying to put all the wet loo roll in the sink to ‘help’ mummy. DG realises she now has to spend twenty minutes scooping pee-flavoured papier-mache out of the sink once she has finally cleaned up this mess.]
[Crying is heard as Dimples slips whilst holding onto the baby/dog gate and bangs her head.]
[DG scoops up the wet half-naked PD on one knee and the mostly naked wee-covered Dimpled One on the other knee, looks at the dog behind the gate, with wet loo roll stuck to her nose, looks down at her now-soaked new cords and says:
DG: Bloody hell, whose idea was it to have children?
[DG bursts into tears]