It’s impossible to know where to start with Estate Agents, since the very mention of them usually brings forth a stream of conciousness that involves every swear word I have ever heard. I recently referred to them as the Spawn of Satan to a friend, who felt I was being too charitable. In fact he despises them so much that he never talks to them, leaving any house sale entirely to his wife. My recent, and indeed ongoing, experience makes me think that this is a bloody good idea. Unfortunately DH got there first.

And so every week, when yet again Up-Themselves-London-Estates (UTLE) and Bloody-Patronising-Local-Agents (BPLA) have failed to make the customer care call, the one they make such a big show of when they are trying to get you to sign up with them, I end up spending my time on hold listening to the World’s Worst Elevator Music. To get through to the office flunky, who has been out of school for five minutes. Who has no idea of customer service, and is in it because s/he thinks that s/he is going to make a killing and retire to Magaluf at 35. The conversation goes a little like this….

Me: Hello, I’d like an update on my house sale.
Patronising Office Flunky: Sorry?
Me (slowly): My name is Mrs Goddesque, and I am calling for an update on my house, 30 Gorgeous Gardens, which we have on the market with you…
POF: [sigh] just bear with me whilst I get your file
[more terrible hold music, possibly of the Meatloaf persusion]
POF: Right, oh yeah, we, like usually make our customer care calls on a Monday.
Me: That’s what I’ve heard. But it’s Wednesday, and I haven’t had a call.
POF: Oh yeah, well, they’re not always on a Monday [mumble, mumble] mmm- we were talking about your house today….the thing is we haven’t had any viewings this week
Me: I know. I live here. I was curious to know why.
POF: well, the thing is, you know, things are a bit slow at the moment.
Me, realising he wasn’t talking about himself: Right. Last week your office said that the market was picking up and you forecast that this year would be better than the last three months of last year. By slow do you mean in general or are you referring to my house specifically?
POF: I mean, mainly in general, but the feedback we are getting is that your property is too expensive.
Me: You valued my house. You thought that it was a reasonable price. And I have already said that we will consider offers.
POF: Well, yeah, but the thing is that we don’t usually tell our viewers that. We like them to make their own decisions.
Me: But you are an Estate Agent. Its is your job to actively sell my house.
POF: Well, yeah, but, you know? That’s not really the way we work. Anyway, we think you should drop the price just to get people through the door.
Me: If we drop the price, then people will make even lower offers…[don’t give him time to interject with “Well, yeah” again]…how much should we drop it by?
POF: [names ridiculous figure]
Me: That seems ridiculous. I’ll have to talk to my husband.
POF: Well, I’ll call you on Monday…

The qualities relevant to the profession that I would expect to see on an Estate Agents CV?
Fluent in lying- to the point where you don’t even realise you are doing it
Patronising A-Level
Condescending GCSE
Low boredom threshold, lack of patience
Hobbies: philandering, miscogeny
Inability to feel concern, compassion or understanding
Or return phone calls
Or fulfill promises
Or care. Ever.

I have decided that , much in line with the Buddhist way of thinking, Estate Agents are the result of lifetimes of evil acts…every lifetime they commit terrible sins and are brought back as a being slightly further down the food chain, with the ultimate aim of sitting in an office being a complete asshole to anyone foolish enough to think that they would work to earn the commission resulting from the sale of your house. Nirvana =Estate Agency Sales Manager. It would be the best thing to round them all up, put them on a deserted island, and leave them all to their own devices. And maybe turn their pain into good old-fashioned Reality-TV. But not until they get their bloody fingers out and sell my home.