I’m not one for reading newspapers at the weekends. DH has yet to be told this though- I don’t think he quite realised what a blonde I was when he married me (who knew I studied Politics and Economics?!) To perpetuate the charade, I gamely flick from page to page of the News of the World, filling him in on all the gossipy lightweight stuff whilst he digests the latest polls on Golden Brown’s popularity. He finds this annoying, but I do it anyway. It’s routine. When I’m sure he’s thoroughly engrossed I flick through the TV guide whilst casually asking him for money. See, I know he’s not listening when his head nods and he makes a “Mmm” noise. Then I wrestle through the Sunday Times mountain for all the ‘middle bits’ and sneak away upstairs with the dog and the chocolate biscuits to look at the Style magazine. Once I’m done discovering that yellow is the new black and that I am too fat to be reading such a svelte-friendly magazine (I never see clothes that would look good on me) I have a nose in the Culture section. A couple of weeks ago, whilst honing my TV viewing for the week (do I not have the most glamorous life?) I noticed a piece on ‘Don’ts For Husbands‘.
Don’ts for Wives
— Don’t be discontented and think your husband not “manly” because he happens to be short and thin, and not very strong. Manliness is not a purely physical quality
— Don’t be afraid of cold meat. A few cookery lessons, or even a good cookery book, with the use of a little intelligence, will make you mistress of delicious ways of serving up leftovers
— Don’t omit to pay your husband a compliment. If he looks nice dressed for the opera, tell him so. If he has been successful with his chickens, or his garden, compliment him
— Don’t say “I told you so” to your husband, however much you feel tempted to. It does no good, and he will be grateful to you for not saying it
— Don’t be discontented and think your husband not “manly” because he happens to be short and thin, and not very strong. Manliness is not a purely physical quality
— Don’t be afraid of cold meat. A few cookery lessons, or even a good cookery book, with the use of a little intelligence, will make you mistress of delicious ways of serving up leftovers
— Don’t omit to pay your husband a compliment. If he looks nice dressed for the opera, tell him so. If he has been successful with his chickens, or his garden, compliment him
— Don’t say “I told you so” to your husband, however much you feel tempted to. It does no good, and he will be grateful to you for not saying it
Don’ts for Husbands
— Don’t sharpen pencils all over the house. It does not improve either the carpets or the servants’ tempers to find pencil sharpenings all over the floors
— Don’t try to regulate every detail of your wife’s life. Even a wife is an individual, and must be allowed some scope
— Don’t try to “drive” your wife. You will find it much easier to “lead” her
— Don’t sneer at your wife’s cookery or bridge-playing or singing, or, in fact, anything that she does
— Don’t increase the work of the house by leaving all your things lying about in different places. If you are not tidy by nature, at least be thoughtful for others
— Don’t keep all your jokes for your men friends. Let your wife share them
— Don’t sharpen pencils all over the house. It does not improve either the carpets or the servants’ tempers to find pencil sharpenings all over the floors
— Don’t try to regulate every detail of your wife’s life. Even a wife is an individual, and must be allowed some scope
— Don’t try to “drive” your wife. You will find it much easier to “lead” her
— Don’t sneer at your wife’s cookery or bridge-playing or singing, or, in fact, anything that she does
— Don’t increase the work of the house by leaving all your things lying about in different places. If you are not tidy by nature, at least be thoughtful for others
— Don’t keep all your jokes for your men friends. Let your wife share them
Written nearly 100 years ago, the book is about being true to values that should be commonplace, not just in our marriages, but in our relationships generally. In our lives and wider society. Courtesy, honesty, compassion, understanding, tolerance. Kindness. Many things have changed since ‘Don’ts for Husbands’ and ‘Don’ts for Wives’ came along: the emancipation of women, the growing multicultural society, technological advance, medical breakthrough and rising house prices (no to mention water levels.) I suspect that somewhere along the way relationships got more complicated too. In such an instant society, we forget that it takes a lifetime to know someone so well you can finish their sentences. We forget that a simple smile, a polite “thank you” can brighten someone’s day. We forget all the little things because we are too busy looking at the ‘big picture’.
A friend once told me that “it’s the small things pierce you. They’re the only things sharp enough.” My experience of break ups is that it’s not about the big things, but rather the accumulation of little gripes and niggles and spats that end a relationship. In reading, I realised that, even 18 months after we married, I am not always considerate enough of my husband. I’ve put him down in front of his friends, unintentionally. I’ve said “I told you so.” I’ve even sharpened pencils in the wrong place….I could have been, should have been, nicer. Life is so frantic these days that it can be easy to overlook the ones that are closest to you, the ones that are most deserving of your kindness. So I’m going to go and put a metaphorical ribbon in my hair, whip up something great with leftovers and be nice to the loveliest man I could ever have wished to be married to.
What a lovely blog. Not sure whether I feel slightly guilty after reading, but nonetheless, delightful all the same!!
Crystal xx
CJ- you are all about the compliments. Thanks!
I loved the bit about don’t sharpen your pencil all over the house. Do you think it had a double meaning?And of course you’ve mouthed off about his mother. But you’re still a newlywed at 18 months so you’re still quite keen to be a good wife. When you’ve been together 15 years and you still feel that way about your hubby, you’ll know you’ve made it.
I’ll bear that in mind WUASTC! Have no idea about the sharpening pencils…..
Being such the glut that I am… I looked at the books and thought that it said “Donuts for Husbands/Wives” and thought, strange, now that’s one way to make a marriage last. But then I read more closely and it made much more sense. Perhaps I need to get my eyes checked.
YOu just have lovely food on the brain JenJen. Will forgiv you as your food is so good would make me forget I know how to talk!
hmmm, maybe you need to read the instructions that were written thirty years ago. isn’t that the one that said do greet him at the door wearing Saran Wrap with a rose in your teeth?
all these helpful books are hilarious, i think. you guys look pretty happy in your sidebar photo, with hats. just go with that…
Cheers Laurie- we are happy. And very lucky.
Very funny. Thanks for sharing Kelly
Any time, Gwen!